The end of an Ana...

My beautiful friend and dance partner of 14 years is in her last week of existence here in the SLC...she is beginning a new adventure in New Mexico next week.

Good luck Fabulous Rana, I will miss you terribly.

11 nights of the best Christmas vacation ever..
3 days of sober, soul crushing reality..
oh my..

still making stupid decisions on occasion however..

from the deep, dark depths of misery I have emerged enlightened..

Congratulations Little Brother..on your new adventure. Welcome to the family Heidi, we're thrilled to have you.

No Expectations

Yet so many possibilities..
The universe has conspired a great deal in my favor as of late. I'm very grateful to live such a fulfilling existence.. for all the chaos of it, it is a great privilege to exist in a world of so many possibilities.

So here we go..on with the show!

On a Lighter Note..

Recently having become proficient..proficient only according to myself..in the art of making pot brownies, conclusions have come to light regarding the quality of the product. Having made more batches for others than for personal consumption, I offered to assist a family member in making a batch for himself last night. Due to the high risk and investment of the process, it always makes me nervous to utilize resources belonging to someone else. Upon the request of another family member, we decided to test the results upon completion.

In my limited experience partaking in the consumption of the product, I have concluded context plays a role in the type of "high" experienced. Our context was lounging after dinner watching season 2 of Big Love (creepy..) and then playing Monopoly on the Wii. I have noticed that when stationary (or at least relatively stationary), in a comfortable location, I don't always feel "high" as I would if having smoked the product. I feel clear minded yet a bit ethereal. So upon leaving for home at the end of the night I was asked for my assessment regarding the quality of our endeavor. At the time, I was of the opinion they were a bit mellow. A cause of concern because I did not want to disappoint in my execution. Once I was on my way home, I realized I was sufficiently baked. I began to reflect on past brownie experiences. The conclusion is as follows: consuming weed in the form of a brownie gives me a mellow, diaphanous high that I really enjoy. I feel more clear minded than when I smoke yet floaty, relaxed, and happy.

I hope this feeling is sufficient for my patrons. I think my brownies are effective. They may not send you off into a featherbrained oblivion, but they do give you a light and fluffy feeling of joy.

There is a great deal of pain in my heart. However there is a great deal of joy in my life. I am strong. I will survive the betrayal of a lost soul. I am a good person who will prevail in my endeavors. Are you? My only fault is having trusted too much, having given so much of myself to another only to be demeaned..

Horoscope

While snorkeling in the ocean off the coast of Hawaii's Big Island, I had a conversation with a dolphin. She gave me clarity concerning a question I've been wondering about. I asked her, "What can Pisceans do to make sure their overflowing emotions don't cause the kind of chaos that undermines their ability to get things done?" I swear the dolphin answered me telepathically, because even though I couldn't understand the hubbub of shrieks and clicks she unleased in response to my inquiry, my mind was suddenly filled with the following thoughts: Pisceans must love their oceanic emotions unconditionally...must see their endless inundation as a privilege and a blessing...must learn to surf the endless tidal wave not with a fearful sense of being a victim but with an exhilirated gratitude for the primal power of adventure.

Opportunities
to find deeper powers within ourselves
come when life seems most challenging.

Joseph Campbell

We must be willing to get rid of
the life we've planned,
so as to have the life that is waiting for us.
The old skin has to be shed
before the new one can come.

Joseph Campbell

Treasure

It is by going down into the abyss
that we recover the treasures of life.
Where you stumble,
there lies your treasure.

Joseph Campbell

A Sensible Analysis.

Sara Whitman: The "Call" at Qualcomm Stadium - Translation Needed!

Can someone please tell me where in the Bible Jesus spoke tongues? Because they are babbling away at Qualcomm Stadium today in his name.

Personally, I don't think Jesus was a freak like the group filing in to protect marriage against the end of times- equal rights to all. Scary stuff, all of us being equal. Next thing you know, there might be fairness.

After hours of fasting, folks filed into Qualcomm Stadium boasting of 70,000 on their way to fight the evils of Equality in the state constitution.

Try 7,100, tops.

When the going gets tough, the tough does great video editing to make it look full. It wasn't. Although there were folks milling into the press box speaking tongues.

I guess that's because they were hungry and the press had pizza.

I wonder where God is on this debate about treating people as different and taking away their rights. I don't believe in God. I wish I could sometimes but I don't.

But for those who do, I have to ask- do you think God would be nasty? Hateful? So many parts of the Bible focus on being kind, helping one another, and justice. I mean, the Jews got kicked all over the desert, and I don't think God liked that.

Jesus, was after all, Jewish.

I wonder about all those people going to church. I walked up to the Grace Cathedral earlier. It's a beautiful building, obviously built with a great deal of passion.

There is a Keith Haring AIDS Chapel altarpiece. It is a welcoming space. Even as an atheist I feel a sense of belonging. Maybe it's because I'm in the heart of San Francisco and everywhere feels welcoming to me. I'm asked my gender preference- sir or miss- respectfully.

I guess those Christians have different rules than other Christians. It's very confusing as an outsider. The Evangelicals think their version is it. The Catholics, theirs, and the Episcopal's are more forgiving but they think they are right.

And we haven't even hit the Protestants.

I wonder how this fits into legal rights because last I looked there is a separation of church and state. If marriage is all about religion then government should not recognize it.

End of discussion.

I walked the labyrinth. I might not be religious but I can be quietly spiritual. As I moved through it I kept thinking, what kind of person hates so deeply? I have been angry with people in my life- furious in fact. But hate, as I tell my kids, is a powerful emotion that only hurts you.

Never the other person.

I'm not sure that's really true. I am hurt by the hate. I see myself as incredibly average. I write part time, I stay home with my kids, and I do all the suburban housewife activities. Nothing out of the ordinary, to be honest.

Yet all those swaying, crying, singing, dancing folks out in San Diego today are preparing to "defeat" me. To save the world against my kind.

I wonder... who will save us against them?

It's ironic because I cannot even imagine taking away their rights to babble on, or to hold a gathering in a stadium, or their right to be recognized as equal citizens. I don't agree with them, they basically scare me, but I still believe they have rights.

Why can't they practice the Golden Rule? Would they want me to organize to take away their rights?

Vote No on Prop. 8 in California this Tuesday and maybe they'll all go have some dinner and settle down. Realize they are a part of a diverse state, with many people of many different religions.

Rights are rights and, as the California Courts ruled, one group cannot be discriminated against simply because another group doesn't like them.

It's the same in every language- even tongues.

Gulliver's Kingdom..

"For my own Part, I swam as Fortune directed me, and was pushed forward
by Wind and Tide. I often let my Legs drop, and could feel no Bottom:
but when I was almost gone, and able to struggle no longer, I found
myself within my Depth... I lay down on the Grass, which was very short
and soft, where I slept sounder than ever I remember to have done in my
Life, and, as I reckoned, above Nine Hours; for when I awakened, it was
just Day-light. I attempted to rise, but was not able to stir."

nonsense

Nonsense.
No sense
nonsensical...

handwriting in the technological revolution

I've just finished writing a note..

It has been some time since I've handwritten such a thing, and nothing so important as this..It is very difficult to make sense of parts of it because there tends to be so much swirling in my brain that sometimes it doesn't come out right in the first draft.* (Thank you Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, and whoever else invented computers and word processing programs. It is much easier to be in perfect communication with a delete key close at hand.) On average, when I write something important, it usually takes a good bit of time, proofing and reproofing. I want to precisely convey how I feel and be as honest as possible.

I don't think of myself as a great writer, but with a little fuel and a delete key, I do alright for myself when the mood strikes...

* Except I have a run on sentence tick..

Although I Conquer...

Although I Conquer all the Earth
Yet for me there is only one city.
In that city there is for me only one house;
and in that house, one room only;
and in that room, a bed.
And one woman sleeps there,
The shining joy and jewel of all my kingdom.
~Ancient India


In my high school creative writing class we were charged with finding a poem to share with the class. This is the poem I chose. You see, I've always been a daydreamer. When I was younger I had a tendency to have romanticised daydreams of being swept off my feet into a fairytale of love. I am older now and the daydreams are less about being swept off my feet in love and more about how I get out of the rut of a daily routine and into a tropical paradise...but for over 10 years I have carried this poem in my wallet in hopes that someday I might have the great fortune of being the object of even a tiny fraction of this kind of love. To be the only woman, the last woman, he could ever hope to love.

In the dictionary, there are 28 different explanations regarding the meaning of the word "LOVE". Profoundly tender, passionate affection for another, sexual passion or desire, affectionate concern for the well-being of others, to embrace and kiss someone as a lover, sexual intercourse, to have love or affection for another person; to be in love... And just as important as love, are the synonyms for love. The things that invigorate and perpetuate love: Tenderness, fondness, predilection, affection, devotion, adoration, enduring loyalty...

While being in love may cause madness and pain at times, it should not create volatility and suffering. Love means nothing if we can't let down the shades of secrecy we hold within ourselves. One cannot truly love without letting go of the fear of being loved back; of embracing the vulnerability love creates and looking it straight in the eyes.

You may conquer all the earth, but what good is that conquest if you scourge the love awaiting your return?

madness

"Love that is not madness is not love."
~Pedro Calderon de la Barca

The World is a Lounge Chair...

and be damned if you try to tell him otherwise...

Derick Ion

Derick Ion photo. Ion is amazing.
http://people.tribe.net/aec67ca2-1ce9-4f99-a7a0-9b01a8a2eccf

Dreaming of Paradise...

For what seems like an eternity, it has been inexplicably cold where I live. I sit at my desk with nothing to do but wonder what keeps me away from the tropical places I so deeply desire to be...and yet...there isn't really a great answer...there are the material things - the house, the car, the furniture; there are the emotional things - my amazing family of friends, the job/family (one in the same in many respects), and all of those pesky practical factors to consider as well. I often wonder what it would entail to convince my family of friends to uproot themselves and endeavor to a new life in a new place, one free of snow and cold. I can't be the only one down and depressed by our current state of affairs. Until then, I will continue only to dream lucious dreams of the tropical paradises I have only so far been able to visit.

Thank you

Thank you everyone who has made me into a better person.

Thank you for letting go and making the most of this life.

Thank you for being the best friends anyone on this earth could ever ask for.

I truly am the luckiest girl alive.

I am free.

Words from the Wise

I am very fortunate to have some close friends who are very wise. Insanity and neuroticism are much easier to deal with when you have a couple of really good, wise friends who aren't afraid to bitchslap you when you need it. I tend to need a good bitchslapping at least every couple of days...and lately every day would be nice.

I believe in the principles of free will and creating your own reality. The energy that you put forth in your life determines the energy you receive back. This has been working out fairly well...at least until recently...somewhere a shift in the universe occured - a transition if you will. One can't always be prepared for this type of shift I suppose...but nonetheless...here I am in the middle of one. Generally these shifts occur because one needs taught a lesson. And while I am learning many lessons from this life...I am very fortunate to have learned a lesson about the importance of brutally honest friends.

So thank you, brutally honest friends, for being there to bitchslap and lend me your wiseness when I become neurotic.